Why am I being tested like this?

I am suddenly hyperaware (is that a real word?) of the fact that I am actively trying to spin so many negative narratives into possible points and opportunities for growth. Every curveball, every snide remark, every challenge posed--- I know I have tried my best to forge ahead and come through a better person somehow, even if only by a miniscule percentage.

But until when can I last?

Until when can I come up with alternative interpretations of what may simply be rudeness, a desire to see me fail, or simply wounded machismo?

Pray I don't burn out soon.

Niches and Nitsos

Am sitting on the front stoop of our family mausoleum, drinking cold black coffee through a wilting paper straw on All Souls Day.

What a year it has been.

This was the year I finally found my niche in my field--- something to do with research, something to do with clinical judgement, something to do with computations and formulas and spreadsheets and late, late nights. ❤️‍🔥

This was the year I finally felt confident in my abilities again. After feeling like a failure for most of my years in med school, after despairing over the politics and pressures of residency, I finally got my groove back. I finally feel like I have something unique to offer! I pray that this feeling lasts, because it's something I had trouble recognizing--- sometimes living too long in dark, dreary spaces makes you forget that light exists beyond these walls.

This blessing does not come without baggage, though. It took me quite some time to recognize that the lack of opportunities I was experiencing was secondary to discrimination on the basis of my sex.

Yep. We went there, we *are* there.

I pray we make it out of there soon.