Always tired, never enough

Idk why I always feel tired.

Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough?

Life lately has felt like an endless maze with no end in sight ---

How do I know if I'm doing well?

How do I know if I'm doing enough?

How do I tell if my performance is okay?

"Running Blind" was once just a book title of something I read as a teenager. Now it feels like the most succinct description of my life.

Impetus and Insecurities

From now on this is prolly going to be a ranting space, a thinking-out-loud space, where I can post my meandering thoughts and not feel fearful of judgement. Yay!

(Writing this on the Blogger app and I have been waiting for this kind of interface all my blogging life back then and it's finally here!)

So here are my thoughts, post-patient treatment record encoding:

1. I LOVE TICK TICK. Today i reinstalled this app and I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED WHY I USED TO LOVE IT. It's like a second brain! This app is bomb but I still cannot fathom officially subscribing to the service. #nomoneymoproblems

2. I noticed that I get cynical easily. Once upon a time I wasn't like this at all. I think there was one summer when I suddenly realized that I had been taking enough crap from so many people and trying so dang hard to see the positive in everything that I just gave up and gave in--- I stopped being so optimistic and cheerful. And somehow it snowballed from there, I guess. This cynicism is something I have been seeing in myself as other people in the HC taint my perception of the nature of our work: I am tired of the perpetual annoyed tone and the whining of ppl. Maybe I need to resurrect the optimistic me.

3. Today's Gospel.

Just as we are in the middle of doing great things for God, our self-doubt and insecurities get ahold of us and weigh us down, preventing us from drawing closer to God and His vision for our life.

Today's resolution: 

Be more trusting of His plans.

Good night 🥱

Romanticize your life.

Just thought I would tell myself this, because no one else is gonna do it for me.

Also, here is a reminder to myself, which the universe has so kindly sent to my inbox:

“What is a vocation? It is a gift from God, so it comes from God. If it is a gift from God, our concern must be to know God's will. We must enter that path: if God wants, when God wants, how God wants.

Never force the door."
- St. Gianna Molla

There is a reason why we are here and not there, Patty. You gotta have trust.

Hello, old friend

It's like a time machiiiiiiiiine

Last time we met, the world was not yet completely overtaken by social media. No one could have imagined a pandemic stopping the earth from turning. And no one, certainly no one, could have predicted the chain of events that would lead to us rebooting this blog.

Since we last talked, I have:

• started a school-based campus ministry
• started a parish-based campus ministry
• failed classes
• passed classes
• graduated from med school
• started and finished my postgraduate internship at a government hospital
• passed the boards
• applied for a surgical residency in the same government hospital
• beat 9 other applicants for the singular spot in head and neck surgery residency
• endured hell there
• attempted to *** my life twice in residency, sorry :'(
• quit residency
• worked part-time as a vaccination screener
• worked part-time as a ghost writer for residency theses
• wrote papers in surgery, neurology, and anes HAHA but of course would not get credit for them
• applied for a public health physician post AND GOT ACCEPTED

Next time again, ayt? It's nice to have a friend in you.