If you're happy about your birth order, scroll past this one.

Did you know that first-borns were invented so that dads could show the younger kids who's boss? So that moms could tell them how their day had been without being interrupted. So that younger siblings would know what not to say, do, ask, or wear. So that there'd be someone to blame. Someone to test the waters. Someone to lecture about. Someone to make the mistakes that are too embarrassing, heartbreaking, or just plain stupid.

First-borns were invented to gauge the risks and see if the results are worth the gamble. They are prototypes of what a proper kid ought to be, or what a proper kid ought NOT to be. They may storm into their rooms and not eat dinner with the rest of the family, but they probably just ran out of batteries. They don't cry into their pillows late at night, when everyone else is asleep. They don't feel hurt when you call them names. And of course, they don't want the last slice of pizza.

You can count on your first-born to do schoolwork on a Sunday even if she hasn't had a weekend for the past month. She does not get annoyed when you barge into her room and rummage through her things. Best of all, she does not get scarred when you make her feel guilty of something she didn't really do. We cannot live life as we know it without first-borns. We cannot survive the cruelty of reality if not for them. The world is a safer, happier, less embarrassing one for the rest of humanity, thanks to this brilliantly unbrilliant invention.