SHE LIVES (or so I think)

And she is now a third year med student!

Helloooooo! I am reviving this blog out of my need to vent my feelings of loneliness somewhere---loneliness not in terms of one's love life, but in terms of friendships (or lack thereof), self-doubt, and general emptiness of being.

1) Faith Life
For the past month or so I have been inactive in our youth ministry, which was a new phenomenon for me. In the past I have always been spearheading activities and campaigning for the counseling and evangelization of youths falling away from the Church... but as a new youth ministry administration took form, I fell out of sync. My chemistry with the coordinator just didn't seem to work. My plans and projects for a stronger small-group initiative were set aside, and they wanted to focus on big events and big crowds... whereas I believed small groups were what sparked the pursuit of a deeper sense of faith in the young Catholic.

In the tradition of my non-confrontational self, I... stopped going to meetings. I stopped attending to young people with toxic attitudes, I went off the grid at events, I was.. a ghost of my formal youth min self. In the process, I failed to practice my faith disciplines (going to Mass, reading the daily Gospel, etc) as I avoided youth min ppl. (Wrong, I know, but it's so hard to stay on track when you have such ill feelings :( )

2) Academics
In exchange, however, I found myself coping better with academic pressures. With my newfound time (as I had no youths to meet), I actually ended up managing my academics better. For the past third of a term I only cried twice out of frustration! That is a triumph in itself, to be honest. I was proud of myself.

But once the exam results came around, I started to feel beat up and defeated again. I felt like I never truly recovered from my old self, and that the things I told myself (I am recovering, I am getting better, etc) were nothing but foolish thoughts.

Maybe I still am the depressed, defeated kid I was a year ago. Maybe I never really got better, but only learned to lie to myself in a more convincing manner. And now that reality came back to smack me in the face, my illusions are shattered and I am, still, the Patty who wanted to flee, to disappear.

Less than stellar

One month into med school, and I am still not feeling the magic I so eagerly looked forward to all those years. :(

Let's put it this way. When you buy your first steth, and you don't get it in the color you want and instead end up with a grey stock image-looking number, nakakadepress. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Vesuvius

Of course,
His heart may be yours,
but his eyes will ever
wander:

Ponder
all the women
who will capture his glance
And,
by chance,
set him on
fire---

Desire:
You can never, ever truly
be enough, for he
Is but another
Male---

Thus pale
the fairy tales
Of the dreamy prince
and his one and only
bride---

For pride
shall cause
Your thoughts to burn

As he will
always,
always yearn

And you
will never
ever learn.

Mostra A: Il Cagna

Cuts

My sister cuts my hair. I think it's been over a year since I last went to a legit salon to get my hair cut. Eliza's really deft, she is yet to nip my ears or poke my eyes.

This post isn't really about our sisterly ritual.

It's been three-ish months since... since, well, since someone entered my life. And this new person (whom I shall refer to as, ta daaaa, Person!) is really different from all the other 'special someones' I have met before: a deviant character, if you will--more into the arts than intellectual pursuits--but just as sincere as I had hoped and prayed for. Our relationship blurs the lines between 'friends' and 'more-than-friends'. Person and I are pretty comfortable with that. Of all the special people in this soldier's story, Person stands out as the only one I felt most comfortable with. All was well until, well, until my demons resurfaced.

I have been insecure all my life. You know that.

Yesterday my sister gave me a cut. We toyed with the idea of close-crop hair--a Med school milestone--and it was not long before I found out that Person is attracted to short hair!

Person's super crush. Hart hart pls <3

No, I did not get this cut, but it stirred insecurities I never thought I would ever experience with Person. All day long all I could think about was whether this cut would flatter me or not, and whether or not I am a coward for refusing to chop my hair off.

Seeking the comfort only a long shower could provide, I cut my afternoon classes and hurried home. As I washed my hair to a loop of Beyonce's ***Flawless, I came upon several realizations:

1. I am not a coward for not cutting my hair short;
2. When I seriously started considering cutting it so that Person might like me more, I sorta lost an internal battle; and
3. Keeping my hair at the length I want is just as brave as deciding to chop it off the way other people do.

I also realized that it is quite possible that no matter how nice Person is, I might slowly be getting consumed by my relationship with them that I have started to compromise the self-assurance I had with me when I entered this chapter of my life. I had to slap myself right there: girl, you ain't that low. You are awesome, beautiful, smart, and talented. Respect yourself, and do not bend over backwards just to please someone. Hold your ground.

If--when-- I decide to cut-- be it my hair, my classes, or my ties with people, memories, and insecurities-- it is because I want it for myself, and not so that other people may find me more attractive, responsible, or courageous. I am beautiful, and brainy, and brave by my own right, and I deserve respect from all people, myself included.

Pinapatay mo lang ang sarili mo.

Acads  + period + acads + acads + acads pa = loveliest Hell week ever.

Yung totoo, ano ang ginawa mo nung long weekend?

Wala.

Wala na naman.

As usual.

Tangina, what is it with you, Patty?  :| Parati na lang ganito. Parati na lang. Laging nagiging oversight ang acads.

And then I realize we truly are from different worlds.

Is that a bad thing? :/

Matthew 16:24

"Deny thyself, take up thy cross, and follow Me."

Dapat handa kang i-forego ang desires mo at mag-endure ng sacrifices para sundin ang Will Niya. Sabi ni Pads Allan, hindi mo daw dapat hayaang nauuna ang gusto mo mangyari bago ang gusto ni Lord para sa iyo.

This deep sense of peace about such important things in life is super comforting. <3 Thank You, Lord, for granting me this. <3