SHE LIVES (or so I think)

And she is now a third year med student!

Helloooooo! I am reviving this blog out of my need to vent my feelings of loneliness somewhere---loneliness not in terms of one's love life, but in terms of friendships (or lack thereof), self-doubt, and general emptiness of being.

1) Faith Life
For the past month or so I have been inactive in our youth ministry, which was a new phenomenon for me. In the past I have always been spearheading activities and campaigning for the counseling and evangelization of youths falling away from the Church... but as a new youth ministry administration took form, I fell out of sync. My chemistry with the coordinator just didn't seem to work. My plans and projects for a stronger small-group initiative were set aside, and they wanted to focus on big events and big crowds... whereas I believed small groups were what sparked the pursuit of a deeper sense of faith in the young Catholic.

In the tradition of my non-confrontational self, I... stopped going to meetings. I stopped attending to young people with toxic attitudes, I went off the grid at events, I was.. a ghost of my formal youth min self. In the process, I failed to practice my faith disciplines (going to Mass, reading the daily Gospel, etc) as I avoided youth min ppl. (Wrong, I know, but it's so hard to stay on track when you have such ill feelings :( )

2) Academics
In exchange, however, I found myself coping better with academic pressures. With my newfound time (as I had no youths to meet), I actually ended up managing my academics better. For the past third of a term I only cried twice out of frustration! That is a triumph in itself, to be honest. I was proud of myself.

But once the exam results came around, I started to feel beat up and defeated again. I felt like I never truly recovered from my old self, and that the things I told myself (I am recovering, I am getting better, etc) were nothing but foolish thoughts.

Maybe I still am the depressed, defeated kid I was a year ago. Maybe I never really got better, but only learned to lie to myself in a more convincing manner. And now that reality came back to smack me in the face, my illusions are shattered and I am, still, the Patty who wanted to flee, to disappear.

Verses for The Broken

Eponine

Pearls of melancholy,

diamonds of despair:

jewels of solitude, my love,

that every day I wear.

How near you are to this lone soul

and yet so out of reach:

you hear not these sad serenades,

nor paeans, nor love's speech.

You feel not this warmth from inside

that keeps my dreams aglow,

nor smell the blooming buds of hope

that years have left to grow.

You know not of my heartbreak

nor see these cheeks tear-stained.

Loveless and lifeless am I, my sweet,

For I love thee in vain.

No, I totally do not relate, dammit. :'''''(

Hard feelings.

I've been feeling like $#!+ the past few days. I want to cry it out and let myself feel better, but I can't... Because I really can't pinpoint what's making me so darn miserable. :|

Maybe it's the way people around me have been treating me lately. Maybe it's what I see in the mirror, or what I think of myself when I'm alone. Maybe it's about what I have done, or what I haven't done; my shortcomings and inadequacies. All I know is that it feels terrible, terrible, terrible. And I want out. :(((((((((((

hana*

We never really met, and I didn't even know much about her (what she really looked like will forever remain a mystery to me), but this left a gaping hole in my heart today:

She never sounded like she had a terrible illness. She was always so cheerful and warm... and her creations never reflected her pain.

In my mind I saw her as a delicate/fragile, homey, loving mom. The kind who baked Hokkaido cakes for her kids after school, made fresh orange juice every morning, wrote love notes in their school notebooks. The wife who decorated their home in shades of mint and roses, with little details and delicate knickknacks. The woman who had a taste for fleeting moments and airy fabrics, soft textures and warm feelings.

I would never truly know her now, but she took a part of me away.

Maybe I build too many dreams.

In the end I'm always left in tears.

Who knows how long I've loved you?

You know I love you still.

Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

If you want me to, I will.

Trying to console myself with colors and the 'Married Life' track from Up.

It's not workingggggg. :| :(

I'm losing you

So I reeeeeally feel like crying right now, but as usual I am too tired. I spent the day at a baptism then went straight to Tutorlink and taught for three straight hours.. and then this heartbreaking moment: the realization that (maybe) I'm a failure at trying to keep old friendships, or at least nurture them. <///3

I think I'm losing you, and it's making my eyes rain and my heart break into a million little pieces too microscopic to childishly put together with a bit of white glue.. or any other (sticky) means, for that matter. :(

*One big sigh.*

Heartache tonight, I know.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

...and my brain feels like taking a vacation, too.

Last night I cried like sht. =)) I was crying to my brother about how awful I felt about going to school, because I don't feel like I'm growing as a person there. No creative exchange. No new ideas coming to quench my thirst. Nothing. :|

Between sniffles and a pool of tears I said that this bland routine is killing me. It may sound like the stupidest thing, but it's true. I'm dying out here, man, and no one's coming to save me. :|

Expectations versus Reality.

Before I start with the hardcore emo approach, let's go the comic way first.

If you're sad, please don't read the rest of this entry. It'll only make you sadder (and it'd be my fault, too). :( But if you're feeling brave (or happy) enough, then by all means dive right in.

PART ONE: Setting the Mood

1) Play the video below.

2) Try to get the feel of the song as you listen.

3) Keep it playing as you read.

PART TWO:  The (Poetic) Rant

Do you know how awesome this song is? It strikes the fulfilled AND regretful chords all at the same time. That's how all this sadness was triggered. Tsk tsk.

I've realized that disappointment and contentment has been influencing my palettes lately (aside from the occasional burst of pink), and I kinda find that sad. Like, 500-Days-of-Summer sad. And on some (MOST) days it's really not the best thing. :( I can't really cry 'cause I'm too tired and exhausted (I find myself having fatigue for breakfast on most days), but there's something inside that wants to be let out. Problem is I really don't think I have the energy (or the time) to really let it all out.

          Expectations-------------> Reality. Palette poetry. :>

It's depressing when you can't meet the expectations of society, but what's more depressing is when you can't meet your own. And that's what's been making me 'cry' for quite some time now (notice the 'crying deep down' tag). A part of me keeps saying I never really achieve, I do a so-and-so job and leave it at that. Now the parade of if-only's go round and round my head: taunting me, haunting me, rocking me to sleep each night.

PART THREE: Closing Remarks

Listening to this song, I get the feeling of letting something so good (probably great beyond my wildest imagination) slip away right before my very eyes, without even trying to hold on to it. I simply let it walk out the door, I let the fire die out. I failed.

So there. It's that feeling you get when you listen to this song: the feeling of love and loss, dreams and disappointments, expectations and reality. And no matter how lyrical and poetic it all sounds, the emptiness it leaves behind is once again something beyond my vocabulary.

Sad Sundays.

We all cry over these scenes: someone ends up with their best friend and everything goes swell until something goes wrong and leaves a big, gaping hole in their life. And then things start to fall apart, and you hafta be in a Pixar movie to have a happy ending. :(

If only I did better.

I am so down.

I am brokenhearted because both my parents are sick My dad has been down with the flu for the past 4 days, and a few hours ago my mom just found out she has osteoporosis.

Which makes me think... of how time's flying by and things are slipping right through my fingers, how incapable I am of holding on to those I love and care for. How life is passing me by, how I have failed to motivate myself to go through the past few weeks with courage and determination. How I have failed to prevent these problems at present by being a better daughter maybe, or a better student, or a better person overall.

It's like having a gaping hole in your heart, and all the love and inspiration and optimism is gushing out, and applying pressure just won't do the trick. Even glow-in-the-dark nails aren't helping. Sigh. </3