SHE LIVES (or so I think)

And she is now a third year med student!

Helloooooo! I am reviving this blog out of my need to vent my feelings of loneliness somewhere---loneliness not in terms of one's love life, but in terms of friendships (or lack thereof), self-doubt, and general emptiness of being.

1) Faith Life
For the past month or so I have been inactive in our youth ministry, which was a new phenomenon for me. In the past I have always been spearheading activities and campaigning for the counseling and evangelization of youths falling away from the Church... but as a new youth ministry administration took form, I fell out of sync. My chemistry with the coordinator just didn't seem to work. My plans and projects for a stronger small-group initiative were set aside, and they wanted to focus on big events and big crowds... whereas I believed small groups were what sparked the pursuit of a deeper sense of faith in the young Catholic.

In the tradition of my non-confrontational self, I... stopped going to meetings. I stopped attending to young people with toxic attitudes, I went off the grid at events, I was.. a ghost of my formal youth min self. In the process, I failed to practice my faith disciplines (going to Mass, reading the daily Gospel, etc) as I avoided youth min ppl. (Wrong, I know, but it's so hard to stay on track when you have such ill feelings :( )

2) Academics
In exchange, however, I found myself coping better with academic pressures. With my newfound time (as I had no youths to meet), I actually ended up managing my academics better. For the past third of a term I only cried twice out of frustration! That is a triumph in itself, to be honest. I was proud of myself.

But once the exam results came around, I started to feel beat up and defeated again. I felt like I never truly recovered from my old self, and that the things I told myself (I am recovering, I am getting better, etc) were nothing but foolish thoughts.

Maybe I still am the depressed, defeated kid I was a year ago. Maybe I never really got better, but only learned to lie to myself in a more convincing manner. And now that reality came back to smack me in the face, my illusions are shattered and I am, still, the Patty who wanted to flee, to disappear.

Mind Games

I should really stop this vicious cycle.

The assuming-expecting combo is my greatest flaw: happy as a puppy one moment then suddenly down in the dumps the next, I ride an emotional rollercoaster I built for myself with generally-nice gestures, sappy text messages, and 10-to-3 conversations about almost anything we can talk about.

Why can I not tell generic kindness from special treatment? Why do I fall for imaginary interest? Why can I not stop believing in fairytales? I am nineteen, I should've learned to be realistic a million eternities ago.

Ugh. Feels again. I shoul go back to the AVP.

Moment of truth

I have this very very awesome friend (ehemninoganaehem) who has a knack for writing blog posts that could pass for formal, legitimate contest/Reader's Digest essays. A few days ago he wrote yet another profound entry. I came across his post tonight, and a part of it reached right out of the screen and slapped me--- hard.

Life isn't about waiting for the stars to align, giving you the perfect opportunity; it's about seizing every opportunity as it presents itself. It's about chasing your dreams without fear of failure, knowing that if you do fail, it isn't the end of the world. It's about taking chances, taking risks, knowing that doing so gives you a chance at creating more cherished memories, regardless of whether you succeed or not. It's not all about the destination, but the journey that leads you there.

It struck my heart at its most vulnerable part: the soft, squishy part I-want-to-play-safe-because-I'm-scared-of-losing-the-gamble part that's always nagging me to think twice, survey all options, bottle everything up.

I always thought of this as something I'd have to live with forever. When I was a kid there was an old Portuguese lady (my dad's best friend's mother) who read Tarot cards and interpreted astrological stuff. Every Christmas we'd be at their house (Ninong ko kasi yung best friend ng dad ko), and time and time again she would ask me my birth date. I was born on the 25th day, which gives 7 as my something-significant number. She said I was a practical person, segurista. I have always justified my check-all-options, ask-for-opinions-first habit with the number 7 and its 'consequent' attitudes. In short, all my life I've played safe. I have never played in the rain, stepped out of a line, or told someone I've been in love with them for the past year and a half unless I'm completely sure I won't end up sick/empty-handed/heartbroken.

And then this guy (or his post) comes along and tells me I should take chances and forget about failing. My gahd, all my life I wanted to learn just that. But how? I have so many doubts, so many fears, so many second-guesses.

If I play in the rain will I end up with loads of fun or a bad fever?

If I step out of the line will I get a better seat or lose my ticket?

If I tell someone I care deeply about them will they freak out and turn me away, or be kind enough to pretend I never said/they didn't hear anything? (hahahaemokid)

If I jump in, what awaits me? If I do not, how will I ever know?

So many questions, so little time. :<