Vesuvius

Of course,
His heart may be yours,
but his eyes will ever
wander:

Ponder
all the women
who will capture his glance
And,
by chance,
set him on
fire---

Desire:
You can never, ever truly
be enough, for he
Is but another
Male---

Thus pale
the fairy tales
Of the dreamy prince
and his one and only
bride---

For pride
shall cause
Your thoughts to burn

As he will
always,
always yearn

And you
will never
ever learn.

Mostra A: Il Cagna

Cuts

My sister cuts my hair. I think it's been over a year since I last went to a legit salon to get my hair cut. Eliza's really deft, she is yet to nip my ears or poke my eyes.

This post isn't really about our sisterly ritual.

It's been three-ish months since... since, well, since someone entered my life. And this new person (whom I shall refer to as, ta daaaa, Person!) is really different from all the other 'special someones' I have met before: a deviant character, if you will--more into the arts than intellectual pursuits--but just as sincere as I had hoped and prayed for. Our relationship blurs the lines between 'friends' and 'more-than-friends'. Person and I are pretty comfortable with that. Of all the special people in this soldier's story, Person stands out as the only one I felt most comfortable with. All was well until, well, until my demons resurfaced.

I have been insecure all my life. You know that.

Yesterday my sister gave me a cut. We toyed with the idea of close-crop hair--a Med school milestone--and it was not long before I found out that Person is attracted to short hair!

Person's super crush. Hart hart pls <3

No, I did not get this cut, but it stirred insecurities I never thought I would ever experience with Person. All day long all I could think about was whether this cut would flatter me or not, and whether or not I am a coward for refusing to chop my hair off.

Seeking the comfort only a long shower could provide, I cut my afternoon classes and hurried home. As I washed my hair to a loop of Beyonce's ***Flawless, I came upon several realizations:

1. I am not a coward for not cutting my hair short;
2. When I seriously started considering cutting it so that Person might like me more, I sorta lost an internal battle; and
3. Keeping my hair at the length I want is just as brave as deciding to chop it off the way other people do.

I also realized that it is quite possible that no matter how nice Person is, I might slowly be getting consumed by my relationship with them that I have started to compromise the self-assurance I had with me when I entered this chapter of my life. I had to slap myself right there: girl, you ain't that low. You are awesome, beautiful, smart, and talented. Respect yourself, and do not bend over backwards just to please someone. Hold your ground.

If--when-- I decide to cut-- be it my hair, my classes, or my ties with people, memories, and insecurities-- it is because I want it for myself, and not so that other people may find me more attractive, responsible, or courageous. I am beautiful, and brainy, and brave by my own right, and I deserve respect from all people, myself included.

Pinapatay mo lang ang sarili mo.

Acads  + period + acads + acads + acads pa = loveliest Hell week ever.

Yung totoo, ano ang ginawa mo nung long weekend?

Wala.

Wala na naman.

As usual.

Tangina, what is it with you, Patty?  :| Parati na lang ganito. Parati na lang. Laging nagiging oversight ang acads.

And then I realize we truly are from different worlds.

Is that a bad thing? :/

Matthew 16:24

"Deny thyself, take up thy cross, and follow Me."

Dapat handa kang i-forego ang desires mo at mag-endure ng sacrifices para sundin ang Will Niya. Sabi ni Pads Allan, hindi mo daw dapat hayaang nauuna ang gusto mo mangyari bago ang gusto ni Lord para sa iyo.

This deep sense of peace about such important things in life is super comforting. <3 Thank You, Lord, for granting me this. <3

Anxiety

I should be writing a talk outline on "Standing Firm in Faith", but here I am.

Hi.

Do you ever get that feeling that things are too good to be true? Or if they are for real, what if they do not last long? What if they conflict with things in your life that are pretty much set in stone? What if, at some point, you have to let them go, no matter how happy they make you feel?

:(


:<

Mind Games

I should really stop this vicious cycle.

The assuming-expecting combo is my greatest flaw: happy as a puppy one moment then suddenly down in the dumps the next, I ride an emotional rollercoaster I built for myself with generally-nice gestures, sappy text messages, and 10-to-3 conversations about almost anything we can talk about.

Why can I not tell generic kindness from special treatment? Why do I fall for imaginary interest? Why can I not stop believing in fairytales? I am nineteen, I should've learned to be realistic a million eternities ago.

Ugh. Feels again. I shoul go back to the AVP.